When Your Mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is Terminally Ill: The Dangers of Expecting a Deathbed Apology

Are you fantasizing about receiving a long awaited apology from a terminally ill family member with Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Are you envisioning the loved one with Narcissistic Personality Disorder toiling upon their deathbed, wrestling with how to make amends for the seemingly endless trail of destruction and deception? Before approaching the deathbed of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder expecting an apology, consider the likelihood of disappointment, abuse and abuse by proxy.

The Disappointment of Expecting a Deathbed Apology
A sincere apology involves taking responsibility for your actions and expressing remorse for those actions. Unfortunately, the hallmark chronic behaviors of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (DSM-IV) remained unchanged on the deathbed. There was not a sudden urge for accountability after spending a lifetime avoiding it, nor did empathy suddenly flow from the deathbed. The Narcissist never sincerely apologized to anyone for anything, but in two rare instances crafted two forms of verbiage parading as apologies. First, the fake apology given to one family member, literally 40 years after the offense and estrangement, was for performance purposes with ulterior motives. Secondly, there was a non-apology given to another family member with a subtle shifting of blame away from the family member with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and onto another. Expecting a sincere deathbed apology from a loved one with Narcissistic Personality Disorder was an unrealistic expectation doomed to end in disappointment.

Expecting a Deathbed Apology Sets You Up For More Abuse
While your defenses are down fantasizing about this deathbed apology and merciful resolution before saying goodbye, the predatory nature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder remains. Being a target in the past did not improve at the deathbed, but actually escalated. In my experience, the narcissist's favorite stunt was to viciously verbally assault a target when no one else was around, then put on an angel's face claiming it never happened. A variation of this occurs when the abuser with Narcissistic Personality Disorder claims to be the victim and accuses the true victim of being the abuser. These insidious but little known forms of abuse are called gaslighting. (Wikipedia) So protect yourself by never being alone with the family member with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Bring someone with you who has not been caught in the sticky web Narcissistic Personality Disorder creates.

Expecting a Deathbed Apology Sets You Up For Abuse By Proxy
Unfathomable to some is the family member with Narcissistic Personality Disorder using the deathbed to orchestrate the last grand performance of the great puppet master. After a lifetime of manipulating with pity, forever claiming to be the innocent victim, the Narcissist was a master manipulator. Highly charged emotions caused those close to the situation to be easily manipulated into abuse by proxy. Again, being a target in the past did not improve at the deathbed, but actually escalated.

Whether or not to visit the deathbed of a family member with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a personal choice we each must make for ourselves. However, the expectation of an apology is nearly certain to end in disappointment. If you have been a target in the past, lowering your defenses in anticipation of a deathbed apology may very well expose you to further direct abuse or abuse by proxy. Adjusting expectations, never being alone with the person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and taking an appropriate person with you if you decide to visit are practically ways to protect yourself.

The entitlement of a terminally ill malignant narcissist knows no bounds. During the nearly two year terminal illness her grown children and their families were to support her financially, as well as to provide 24/7 care. If it was not provided, the grown child was accused of not loving her. If one of the families needed to go without utilities in order to support her, so be it. If a grown child had young children or a full time job, their 8 hour daily shift of personal care was still demanded. Only one of the scapegoats questioned this as being unreasonable. It resulted in the grown children fighting amongst themselves under the strain, rather than stand up to the narcissist who flat refused to allow the assistance of hospice.

Human qualities such as empathy, compassion and remorse do not suddenly materialize during the dying process. I honestly believe a malignant narcissist is only bound by what they believe they can get away with without being caught or exposed. That did not change on the deathbed, with the possible except that I think she may have actually been even more dangerous.

I sincerely believe and experience has demonstrated to me that a malignant narcissist can kill as surely as if they shot someone. The distinct difference is if someone shoots you, you have an obvious wound, a weapon and an investigation. A malignant narcissist's weapon of choice is often verbal - slander, lies, flipped tales of who was the victim and who was the abuser, gossip, rage, verbal abuse and intentional infliction of emotional pain. It is a systematic dismantling of another person's relationships, reputation, emotional, physical and spiritual health, life and very soul. This is why malignant narcissists are so often called "emotional vampires." I would caution someone not to underestimate the cumulative results of this kind of behavior.

A malignant narcissist seeks to divide and conquer, even or perhaps especially, their own children. He or she wants to be the hub in the middle that each child goes to. Raised with the inverted parenting of the children meeting the sick parent's needs instead of the other way around, the stage is set long before a child is old enough to recognize it. They will slander one child to the others and often even lie to both parties about the other one in order to break down the relationships. Look out if you are the one who sees their true character!

An NPD parent usually chooses one or more scapegoats from among their children. A scapegoat is only required when someone consistently refuses to take responsibility for their actions, which is exactly what an NPD does. If you research the biblical account of the scapegoat, that is precisely how it played out in our family. My scapegoat sibling passed away a few months after the narcissist. The scapegoat child or children, the truth tellers, are blamed for everything. The sins of the family are poured out on the scapegoat(s) and he or she is sent out in the desert alone to die a slow, painful death. "Sent out into the desert to die alone" as taken from the biblical account, can be the result of the NPD systematically destroying your relationships, slandering you with lies and the intentional infliction of emotional pain and abuse. However, if you are the scapegoat the good news is in many cases you are the one most likely to escape, heal and lead a healthy life. The pain of being the scapegoat often sends one looking for answers - and finding them. Yes, I do consider it an escape that is not much different than escaping a cult. A family with a malignant narcissist parent is just that in my opinion, it's a cult with most or all of the same characteristics.

Here is the favorite maneuver. The scapegoat confronts the narcissist about lying. The narcissist flies into a narcissistic rage, verbally assaulting the scapegoat. The narcissist then tells everyone who will listen the scapegoat attacked the poor, innocent narcissist for no reason. The scapegoat is left to deal with the verbal abuse, lies, diminished reputation, etc., and the narcissist drinks in all of the sympathy and pity for being an innocent victim. A confrontation is not required for the narcissist to pull this stunt over and over. It can be jealousy or just the simple fact the narcissist realizes the scapegoat knows the truth - that their entire life, persona, etc., is a lie.

No one will ever convince me a malignant narcissist does not know what they are doing. They know exactly what they are doing and that it is wrong, which is why they hide it. Anyone who believes a malignant narcissist does not realize what they are doing has obviously never witnessed the instantaneous transformation from monster to sweet angel when an important narcissistic supply shows up unexpectedly during an assault on a scapegoat.

A narcissist is an insanely jealous person who will claim with a straight face not to have a jealous bone in their body. They do not just get angry, they fester and plot for years - decades, far beyond what any of us would even dream of doing. Whatever happened, no matter who was at fault or how minor it may have seemed to you, the narcissist has filed it away for future reference.

If for some unfathomable reason you want to get in a narcissist's head, all you have to do is listen to their accusations. A narcissist is constantly projecting their negative character traits on to others. Did you just catch the narcissist in a lie? You're about to be called a liar. They love to strip the real victim of their virtue and themselves of their abuse with twisted stories. Whatever qualities you value in yourself they are likely targets. You pride yourself on being honest or generous? They will rip you off, then accuse you of being a lying thief.

Had I known and fully grasped 25 years ago, what I know to be the truth today, I would have left and never looked back no matter who told me it was "harsh." All I accomplished by returning was allowing the NPD to take one final, orchestrated and severe shot at me. It's not harsh. Malignant narcissists are predators and I believe you should protect yourself and your family from one just as you would any other predator. Do not think for a moment if a malignant narcissist preys on their own children that they will not do the same with grandchildren. I can assure you from experience that they will. They will turn your own children against you and destroy that relationship along with the rest of them if you allow it.